People ask some of the oddest questions at six in the morning when you have a camera. Stupid thing of it all is how do you reply without sounding stupid. This was may fail of that day. I am standing outside my house with a great big tripod and a hard to hide camera, minding my own business when my neighbours ride turns up for the morning, parking right next to me. In the front passengers seat is the most intelligent of the four occupants of the car, which really does not say much for the collective IQ. Also bare in mind, I had just got up five minuets ago and throw a coat on, these chaps maybe ten minuets ago and wouldn’t be surprised if they where still in their onesies. The window is wound down and so the conversation began.
“What are you doing?” asks half-wits number one
Bare in mind I am clearly standing there with a camera on a tripod
Seriously dude, there is nothing here but houses and road, and what do you think I am taking pictures of?
“I’m doing a project”
“All sorts of things”
“Will you take my picture?”
“Because you are not my project”
By now the mental face palm is coming out, and although I would love to explain to him and his fellow monkeys about slow shutter speeds and making streaks with car head lights and fancy stuff like only photographers are in the know about, sod you dude, I ain’t got for time for this.
This is why you now find me off the road and hiding down the ally ways, and still there are more out there asking questions. Why do people have so many questions at six in the morning? What do you think I am going to do with this camera and tripod?, turn it into a flying car and vanish to the planet and revoke your passport, make a rather nice omelette or maybe, just maybe I might actually be taking a picture of the obvious thing that the camera is taking a picture of, a lamppost, yes I take pictures of lampposts at six in the morning, please leave me be with my project, and my lamppost.
Now picture me melodramatically putting my hand to my head and say something along the lines “oh woe is me”. There that is the drama queen out of the way with because I would like to tell you about an equally strange conversation I had today with a even stranger acquaintance. Yes I was talking with a rather camera happy swan today, just in case you didn’t know. I shall name him Ham because he was one. Mother and I went to Worcestershire today to see the floods and we where happily welcomed by a group of swans swimming up the path next door to the river. Ham was ever so welcoming, I was down on my knees getting mud on my new red jeans and coat (and not caring) and along he came flopping along with his huge kipper flipper feet, flomp flomp flomp flomp and before I knew it he was battering his curious eyelashes right in my lens. Click click click went the camera, and like a true model Ham changed his pose for each snap. We stayed and chattered a while, we spoke of Plato, heritage and the ever rising price of brown bread, I fear however it was a mostly one way conversation but I do believe Ham would have spoke if he could. Who knows Ham, one day I may even put you on the front of a National Geographic and I will share half my profit with you.
So my dear friends and Ham lovers, if you happen to see anyone standing out there at six in the morning with a huge tripod and a can’t hide camera, just say good morning and walk on by because face palming is quite intellectually and physically painful at that time of the dawn. If you happen to see Ham, tell him Roubs says hi and I will remember to bring some croissants next time.