Day Twenty-six Playing with shadows


Afternoon all in the Void today, I hope I find you all fit and well.   I have the plague, well, ok maybe not the plague but it feels like the start of it, but I will not milk it for all it’s worth.  I will grim and bare it as the imaginary squirrel chews away at my tonsils, but I will not complain.  I will be a martyr and be as quiet as I can with tiredness and shivers and aches ravishing my poor frail frame of a sickened body.  Oh woe is me, cough, cough, cough, sniff, I better step back from the computer, just in case, you my dear viewers get this sickening bug of eugh.  Gosh I am in a whiney mood today, buck up Roubs, sit up straight and just take it like a woman.

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR, GRRRRRRR, there, that feels a little better.

Ain’t love great, to know that there is some one out there with your name on, to have a belonging to.   I never realised this until, it found me a few years ago in the strangest of places with the strangest of people.   Now, I am stuck with the chump, and I say chump in the most affectionate of ways.  Anyone who can put up with me, and my way of living is prize chump.

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Now, I am not going to get all lovey dovey with you, because I am just unable to stomach that kind of opening up of the heart and as I told you before, my relationship with my fiancé is something I rather keep to myself, but if he should ever find me here on WordPress, I guess I should say some nice things about him.

Without divulging too much, he is one of the main reasons why I am still here, in short he was one of the extraordinary people out there who have saved my life.

_MG_7225s copyLife is not always sunshine and lollypops, even if Leslie Gore says it so.  For a time there was no sunshine in my life, through an unfortunate number of horrid moments, depression grabbed hold of me and stole my life.  I tried all I could to feel happy or to feel in control and made some life changing errors for which I am still dealing with, but this man took me under his wing and changed everything.  He put me under an umbrella so that depressing rain could hit me no more, then over time I didn’t need the umbrella because ever so slowly the sun started to come out and life did get better, much, much better.  He took me for who I was, faults and all, and that to me is immense.

He is not this shining knight on a noble steed, just as I am not a princess locked in a tower, we are both a pain the neck to each other, but somewhere along the line something made, and still does make a lot of sense.  The sucky part of all this is the huge sea dividing us at the moment, the Visa is not any more done than last month.  Oh well, all in good time.

I wish everyone in this world could find love, to know how happy you would feel and have free to be yourself.  I feel too many of us walk around in this cloud thinking that we have found “the one” but then for some reason it doesn’t feel right and you don’t understand why.  You start questioning, is there something wrong with you because you don’t feel the butterflies in your stomach when he or she calls your name.   I thought I found right the one many years ago because he was the first one who noticed me and wanted to be with me.  He was a very kind person and treated me like a princess, he showed me off to his friends, we went out anywhere and everywhere but there was always that moment in the car ride home that I knew I should kiss him goodbye.  Should, should’ve been replaced by could, could I kiss him? He was a sweet, sweet guy but on those goodbyes I felt awkward and the end I became very difficult to him, I hurt him emotionally and I walked away, something, which I still deeply regret to this day.  He no way deserved that, I was in a dark place and needed more help than he cope with, so I felt he would be better without me.  I know it is a poor excuse to the ending, but at the time, it made horrible sense.

_MG_7226s copyA couple of years later I met my fiancé and then I finally understood, this is what love feels like.  I wanted him to kiss me, and when he did, I felt tingles go through my body.  I wanted him to hold me close, I wanted to be seen out with him, I wanted to mop his tears when he cried, I wanted to bring chicken soup to him when he was ill, and right now, I just want to be with him without this huge sink of ocean between us.

I cannot count enough blessings to know I have him in my life and know that no matter how much I screw up or fall or annoy him, he will always pick me up and dust me down again because he loves me unconditionally.

I feel lucky that I can be with him, and due to this it makes me feel sad for those who cannot be with the ones they love because society shuns their form of love.  I am going to try and be very delicate with this but I am sure I will step on a few peoples toes and I apologize for this.   I am blessed to have the friends I have in this world and it means a huge amount to me that they are happy.  I do not chose my friendships on their sexuality because it makes no sense, you become friends with them because you want to spend time with them.   What gets to me is how this world can still be a little backward toward the whole homosexual community, there is no denying that gays do  live in this world, and so they should because they are perfect people like us.  They deserve to be happy, so why is it that we still torture people for loving the “wrong” person.  I have gay friends, some open, some hiding in fear and it just pains me to think that these wonderful people get bullied most terribly because their body tells them to love the same sex.  Love IS love, it doesn’t matter if it is between man and woman or woman and woman or man and man, love IS love.  Don’t let them be unhappy just to please you and an outdated thought process, let them marry, let them grow old together, let them have children, let them be able to love each other with prejudice.  There, that is my little soapbox moment, as I said, I apologize for any hurt feeling, I’m just annoyed by this world at times.

Wouldn’t it be great is all love was just like it is in the movies, the hero whisking the babe off her feet and spending the rest of their lives blissfully happy with not a care in the world.  This is the real world and sadly there is not always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, sometimes love _MG_7227s copydoesn’t work and falls apart.  I got to see this first hand with my own parents.  I was 16 when they divorced.   Life changed.   I remember that moment, I remember what I was doing, I remember the weather, I remember what I had for dinner, then I was told and everything goes blank for months.  Somewhere in the middle I remember him with the final suitcase and not saying goodbye, mum and I just held each other numbly.   Great timing I have to say on the event, half way through the GCSE’s, although there was no chance in changing in grades, they where terrible to start with.

I just wish I saw more shouting or more smashing of plates or more storming out, but there was nothing, not a thing out of place, the marriage was not even cinders in a cold fire in the end, it was so dead that it got brought back to life just to die a second time in silence.   Looking back I can see it had been like that for years, it had been that way for so long that I couldn’t see it, it was the norm for me.  Two people living two lives in one house.

It broke my mother, it took the last spark she had been holding onto with hope for happiness, it hurt her so bad that she just wanted to hide and never come back.  I nearly lost her in the process.  I think for a long time we both played pretend, lying to each other saying we where “fine” when in fact the jigsaw puzzle mess of life was still just blowing in the wind.   Time heals all wounds and eventually it healed this one.  She still misses him and when he forgot to send her a Christmas card this year, you could see it hurt when she told me.

Dad remarried to the woman he moved out for, I like her, I consider her a friend and I love how she looks after him.  It is nice to see that love does exist to him; I had never seen him so happy.  I had to admit that I do feel in the way to him now, I know I have never been the best daughter in the world, I have screwed up many times, I was not all that interesting, I was too indecisive and now he has his new life and I am now on the side of it, not in it.   I know that going backwards and forwards to the US would change things and my lack of driving in the UK means meeting in other places, but at present I feel very left out as if he has no time for me.  His daughter is now her daughter and her grandchildren, he got the son he wanted with her son, they have time for them, but I almost feel I have to make an appointment to see him.  I know it may just jealousy, but, I’m his daughter, why is it such a mission to come and _MG_7228s copysee me but drop of a hat to look after grandchildren halfway across the country, or go out with the lads for a coffee.   Don’t get me wrong, my Dad, will and always remain to be my hero, I look up to him, he has always been there when I need him and even when I didn’t, I love him like crazy but I suppose I am grown up and strong minded and do not need his time so much.

I’m glad my parents split and I know it is hard for you to understand and I can’t make you understand, but all three of us are stronger for it.   My mother wouldn’t be this amazing, determined, strong, inspiration woman that she is today, Dad got the happy life he wanted, I learned how to lose myself in work and get great grades and most of all, we all learned how to re-love and grow up.

My Mother will be home any minuet now so I better be off to get dressed up in fifteen layers to take the grumpy dog out for a walk.  Say love to those you care for, hold them close, tell them how much they mean to you and what they did that day to make you smile.  Compliments are always nice, no matter how silly, my mother tells me most days what an amazing sandwich I made for her, it may be nothing more than peanut butter and jam but she does it because she loves me doing that for her.  Hugs to you all, I love you who ever you are listening out their in this bold world and I will speak with you tomorrow.

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